Life is Funny

1. Food has replaced sex in my life ... now I can't even get into my own pants!
   
   
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood-alcohol content.
   
   
3. Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
   
   
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it ... so I said, "Implants?"
   
   
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
   
   
6. Sign in a CHINESE Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
   
   
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me here.
   
   
8. I got a sweater for Christmas ... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
   
   
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
   
   
10. I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of them get elected.
    
    
11. The most precious thing we have is life ... Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
    
    
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of handgrenades ...THAT'S A MESSAGE!
    
    
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
    
    
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
    
    
15. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
    
    
16. I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
    
    
17. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
    
    
18. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
    
    
19. How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?
    
    
20. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
    
    
21. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?