A Bachelor's Kitchen Guide

1. Freezer Foods:
   
   ICE CREAM
   
   If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.
   
   FROZEN FOODS
   
   Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
   
   
2. In the Fridge:
   
   EGGS
   
   When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
   
   DAIRY PRODUCTS
   
   Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway - if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite!
   
   MEAT
   
   If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.
   
   UNMARKED ITEMS
   
   You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.
   
   GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
   
   Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
   
   
3. On the Shelf:
   
   CANNED GOODS
   
   Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of... Very carefully.
   
   POTATOES
   
   Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
   
   THE GAG TEST
   
   Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
   
   BREAD
   
   Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable ÒspotsÓ that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.
   
   CEREAL
   
   It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.
   
   FLOUR
   
   Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.
   
   PRETZELS
   
   Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago.
   
   RAISINS
   
   Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.
   
   SALT
   
   It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.
   
   SPICES
   
   Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.
   
   VINEGAR
   
   If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.
   
   
4. Expiration Dates:
   
   This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.