2030 Headlines

1. Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
   
   
2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.
   
   
3. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon).
   
   
4. Afghanistan still closed off--physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
   
   
5. Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed sighted at Yasser Arafat's tomb in Detroit.
   
   
6. Thirty-five year study proclaims diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
   
   
7. Texas executes last remaining citizen.
   
   
8. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
   
   
9. Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
   
   
10. Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
    
    
11. Ozone created by electric cars killing thousands in Los Angeles.
    
    
12. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.
    
    
13. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
    
    
14. New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.
    
    
15. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.
    
    
16. Average worker's Social Security (FICA) contribution hits $12,000 per week. Protests planned.
    
    
17. Congressman Gary Condit still missing.
    
    
18. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; continues to cast votes.
    
    
19. White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation for 748th time. No response.
    
    
20. Seats for Mel Brooks' "The Producers" on Broadway, decline to $12,000 per.
    
    
21. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.
    
    
22. E-mail messages, like this one, now charged at $5 per word. Please remit.